Marauder Matchmaker
by Admiral Albia
Summary: MWPP. Will include cross-dressing, suggestive slash and swearing. Sirius, Remus and Peter set James up with a date... but just *what* do they find so funny about it?
1. Default Chapter

Part 1 Marauder Matchmaker   
By Admiral Albia 

Okay, youse peoples, listen up! This story is PG-13 for a reason. It involves cross dressing, swearing, and *suggestive* slash. On that note, though, it's also in Humour for a reason =) If you don't find it funny don't sue me, but feel free to flame. If you write a long enough one, you can be a Slytherin in one of my upcoming stories! =) And boy do *they* get beaten up... 

Disclaimer; Let's put this to the test. How many people out there actually think I'm J.K. Rowling? You _do_? I'm honoured! =) But sorry, I'm not. Nevertheless, on with the story! *points dramatically as all characters head purposefully in other direction* What the...? Hey! Come back! COME BAAACK! 

Marauder Matchmaker   
"JAMES POTTER!"   
"I didn't do it!"   
"Huh? Jamesee, that's your _girlfriend_, you idiot."   
"Is it? Oh. What is it, Lianna?"   
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT IS IT?" By now the entire Gryffindor common room was watching.   
"Um. Qu'est-ce que? Quid? What the hell?" Lily Evans pursed her lips at his last statement, but Sirius, who had crept up behind her, stuck his hand over her mouth - not that anyone really cared what she thought.   
"YOUR DAMN' FRIENDS'VE ONLY STUCK A DUNGBOMB DOWN MY ROBES, THAT'S WHAT!!!"   
"Ooops," Peter murmured sheepishly.   
"Not my fault what they do," James said.   
"I thought being your girlfriend meant this DIDN'T HAPPEN!"   
"Excuse me? Are you saying that that's the only reason you came out with me?"   
"Well...." Lianna seemed to realize she'd put her foot in it. Then she stiffened. "As a matter of fact, yes, you disgusting little... GEEK!"   
"I AM NOT LITTLE!" James screamed, losing it at last and drawing himself up to his full height of five feet. "I'm not a geek, either," He added as an afterthought.   
"But he admits to being disgusting," Remus murmured to Peter, who giggled.   
"Well, I'm through with you! You can take your dating techniques and shove them up your-"   
"A-HEM," Lily said, having worked Sirius' hand off her mouth at last. Lianna's mouth snapped shut, and she stalked over to her friend. Sirius came back over to the other three, grinning.   
"Well, that was entertaining... boys, we must do this more often." James, however, had other things on his mind.   
"Who stuck the Dungbomb down her clothes?" Peter reluctantly put his hand up. "Why just the one? Why not twenty?" And with this, James headed up to the boys' dormitory, grumbling all the way.   
"Not Lianna, then," Remus said once James had gone, pulling out a long list of every girl in their year and crossing off yet another name. "His soul mate _has_ to be here somewhere..."   
"Yeah... shame really. She's pretty." Sirius gave a large, fake sniff, before turning to pore over the list with Remus and Peter. "How about Emilily?"   
"What, Dinglebonk?"   
"Is there another Emilily in the school?"   
"No." Remus paused. "Trouble is, he gets tongue-tied just _looking_ at someone that famous."   
"_I'm_ almost that famous..."   
"Yeah, but you've known each other since you were nine, and you didn't start acting `till you were twelve, Sirius. Anyway, she's got her eye on someone else."   
"Really? Who/"   
"You."   
"Ewww! No way!"   
"Are you calling this nose a liar?"   
"I have an idea," Peter said.   
"More or less, yeah..."   
"I have an idea..."   
"It's _night_-time..."   
"I have an idea. Hello? Is anyone listening to me?"   
"Yeah. So? I'm not scared of you, Mr I-Bite-At-Full-Moon..."   
"Keep your voice down!"   
"Hellooo? Am I invisible?"   
"Jumpy little doggy, aren't you?"   
"And I'm a mad little bitch," Remus' elder sister, Canina, butted in. "Sirius, I think Peter wants to say something."   
"Does he? Oh. Hello, Peter."   
"Oh good, I'm visible again."   
"You interrupted our argument to tell us _that_?"   
"No. Huddle, boys?" The Marauders (except James who was sulking in the dormitory) went into a huddle, and it only took a couple of seconds before a great burst of laughter emitted from the group and Sirius rocked back into his chair, alternately laughing and crying `Perfect!`   
"I'm not even going to ask," Canina muttered. "Remus, try not to get detention on our family night this time, OK?"   
"It's not my fault if they don't consult the lunar calendar, is it?" Remus hissed.   
"No, but it's your fault for getting the detention..."   
"Guilty through association, I was..."   
"Whatever. Just tell them it's... well, tell them whatever you tell them."   
"You can never get any further than `but` with angry teachers."   
"Then don't say `but`!"   
"And watch out for the werewolf. You sound just like mum, did you know?" She stuck her tongue out at him before turning back to her work.   
"I'll write James letter, as per usual," Sirius began, but Peter cut across him.   
"No - his date'll recognize the handwriting. Pretend he's someone else. Someone like -" he reached up and whispered in Sirius' ear. Sirius snorted with suppressed laughter.   
"OK. Wormy, go and set up your cauldron. Do you need any ingredients?"   
"No - just a few good insults to throw at Myrtle."   
"I'm sure you'll find some." Peter grinned, and headed for the portrait hole.   
"I'll do the date's writing, then, shall I?" Remus suggested.   
"Yeah, OK. Don't forget, neat writing! It's a girl!"   
"I _have_ neat writing. It's you who scrawls al over it and makes it look messy."   
"Picky, picky... Saturday night OK with you?"   
"Hmm... no, actually. Make it Friday."   
"Friday it is. Where are you going on Saturday, then?"   
"Home, to see my mum... she's really ill, you know..." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Forest," Remus added in an undertone, "Remember?"   
"Oh, yeah. _How is your mother, by the way?_" 

/\/\/  
A/n; Want to see what'll happen? I understand reviewing works =)   
Actually, I'll put the next (and probably last) part up whether you review or not, but if I get reviews for this I'll write it before I finish Raindrops and Rosebuds...   
So go on! Review!   
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	2. Default Chapter Title

Part 2 Marauder Matchmaker   
By Admiral Albia 

Okay, youse peoples, listen up! This story is PG-13 for a reason. It involves cross dressing, swearing, and *suggestive* slash. On that note, though, it's also in Humour for a reason =) If you don't find it funny don't sue me, but feel free to flame. If you write a long enough one, you can be a Slytherin in one of my upcoming stories! =) And boy do *they* get beaten up... 

Disclaimer; Let's put this to the test. How many people out there actually think I'm J.K. Rowling? You _do_? I'm honoured! =) But sorry, I'm not. Nevertheless, on with the story! *points dramatically as all characters head purposefully in other direction* What the...? Hey! Come back! COME BAAACK! 

Marauder Matchmaker   
"Hooboy, this is going to be GREAT! How's the potion doing, Peter?"   
"OK... just a few more minutes..."   
"Right, I've written both letters and addressed them accordingly... ow! What was that for?"   
"Remus, you sound like a secretary. `I've written both letters and addressed them accordingly`... I'm kicking you for your own good, you know."   
"Whatever," Remus muttered, rubbing his shin. "Do you want to read them through?"   
"OK." Sirius took the letters and read through them. "Good. Just put a little more meat on it, though. Like, oh... I worship you, I adore you, I want to hold you forever and ever and ever... meet me by the lake at midnight tonight so I can snog you passionately..."   
"You really want me to put `snog you` in?"   
"Well, words to that effect, anyway. That looks done, Pete."   
"It is," Peter said, lifting the cauldron off the sink and extinguishing the fire that had been under it with tap water. "This should last us a week, give or take. Assuming James takes the Cloak, I mean."   
"He will. He always has so far."   
"Is it meant to smell like that?" Remus asked.   
"It doesn't smell of anything!"   
"Oh, but it does. To me, anyway."   
"Leave it," Sirius advised as Peter opened his mouth. "C'mon, let's go to the Owlery and set this plan in motion." 

/\/\/\

"Hello? Anyone in here?"   
"You've just missed them," Myrtle said, coming out of her toilet morosely. "They were here five minutes ago..."   
"Do you know where they went?" James asked.   
"Even if I did, I wouldn't tell _you_."   
"You do know, don't you."   
"Why should I tell you, though?" Myrtle asked aggravatingly.   
"Myrtle, what house were you in?"   
"Slytherin. Why?"   
"I thought so. Thanks, you've been very helpful."   
"I have?" James just smiled sunnily and walked out, knowing he'd confused her for years to come. As he exited the toilet, though, a large barn owl came swooping past and dropped something on his head before flying off again. James reached up and found an envelope, which was addressed to him. He opened it. 

> > > > > _Oh, I long to hold you in my arms, baby, to love you and smooch you till the cows come home, but not through our arms `cos that'd be stupid... Sirius, cut it out! I worship the ground you walk on, I care for you like nobody before except possibly my cat STOP IT! Meet me by the lake at eight tonight and we can be together for ever and ever and ever and ever!_
>>>>> 
>>>>> _?_   
_xxx_

James grinned. He knew, or could guess, that Remus had written the letter and that they were all setting him up, but he didn't really mind. They never actually _came_ - at least as far as he knew - and some of the girls were quite nice. Whatever. He was going to go. 

/\/\/\

"We're going down to the kitchens. Coming, James?"   
"No, thanks, I'll stay here... where're you going?"   
"To get the Cloak..."   
"Do without it for once. I've got something to set up in Filch's office."   
"Oh, right... c'mon, boys." The three of them left, grinning knowingly at each other. Once he was sure they'd gone, James stood up and pulled the Cloak out from inside the cover of his cushion. Even if Sirius had insisted on going to get it, he wouldn't have found it. He headed purposefully for the portrait hole.   
"Oh, no you don't!" Lily Evans barred his way, hands on hips. "Where do you think you're going?"   
"I'm going to catch up with the others."   
"No you're not, I couldn't help overhearing and you're going to go and lose us more house points, and you're a Prefect too, you should be trying to help Gryffindor win, what'll you do when Slytherin win this year?"   
"They won't," James said cheerfully. "We get at least 450 house points a year from Quidditch and even I can't lose that many. Stop moaning and get out of the way." He tried to dodge around her, but she was too quick.   
"Don't you care about the House Cup?"   
"Not as much as I care about catching up with the others. Honestly, you're so centred on the damn' House Cup you've forgotten how to have fun!"   
"You're not having fun, you're just getting detentions and losing points, you just think it's fun because you're stupid! Anyway, I know exactly where your friends have gone and it's too dangerous, you shouldn't let a werewolf loose in the grounds." James gaped at her for a second before his brain caught up.   
"It's not full moon `til tomorrow," he said coldly. "Now if you would _please_ get out of the way..."   
"It's still dangerous, somebody could get killed or even bitten, and you're so wound up in your own selfish little worlds you couldn't care less what happened, you're so _stupid!_"   
"I've done some things you'd never manage," James retorted.   
"What, like the Animagus thing? Putting the entire school in danger just so you can have a laugh?"   
"Actually, I meant living in Sirius' vicinity for seven years without going stark raving bonkers, but I suppose the Animagus thing comes close second. Can I go now?"   
"Depends on where."   
"For a walk. Look, search my pockets. Am I carrying anything?" She eyed him doubtfully.   
"No."   
"There you go, see? Now let me go!" She moved out of his way, and he headed down to the grounds. 

/\/\/\

"Ow! Who did that?"   
"Did what?"   
"It was you, wasn't it?"   
"Who's `you`?"   
"Oh, this is stupid," Sirius groaned, giving up. A second later his sign - a dog's paw - appeared in the air above his head. "Everyone follow me. Then maybe people will stop _groping_ me..." He hurried forwards for a few moments before he realised that Remus and Peter were in an invisible heap on the floor and laughing their heads off. "It's not funny!"   
"Really?" Remus sounded like he was smirking.   
"Who did it, anyway?" Sirius wanted to know again. "And how long does this Invisibility Potion last?"   
"It was me," Peter confessed, "but it was an accident. And it lasts for about two hours."   
"Well, we'd better move then, hadn't we?" 

/\/\/\

After a while the Marauders - minus one - arrived at the rendez-vous point near the lake and hid themselves in a convenient bush which they had magically planted there earlier that day. Remus was still inclined to laugh about Peter's incident with Sirius, but once Sirius had threatened to keep punching things until he hit Remus and Peter had told everyone quite clearly that he was crouching behind Sirius he decided to keep it to himself. Fortunately, James chose this moment to appear.   
"Hello?" he called. And an answering falsetto called back;   
"Coming, dear, coming!"   
"Did you know you sound like Sirius doing a falsetto?" James called into the empty air. Sirius changed the voice instantly.   
"Just my little joke, dear Jamesee..."   
"And now you just sound like Sirius throwing his voice," James said. "Where are you three, anyway?"   
"No, no, dear, there's only one of me - _shut up, you two!_"   
"Pardon?" James heard a very distinct snigger from one of the bushes they'd planted out in Herbology.   
"Just me here, darling Jamesee, you must be hearing things..."   
"Hold on a second, I'm _sure_ my friends are around somewhere..."   
"Oh, OK," Sirius' normal voice came from the bush, sounding a little disgruntled. "We're here. Wait a second..." a whispered conversation ensued, which James completely failed to listen in on owing to the fact that Peter's unmistakeable high-pitched laugh drowned it all out. "Your real date's coming," Sirius said. "Just stay there for a second..." There was a rustle from the bush, and a trail of footprints appeared in the grass. There was a pause, then whoever it was whispered something before the footsteps returned to the bush.   
"Erm... hello?" A high, squeaky voice came from behind one of the trees.   
"Hi," James said. "Why not come out where I can see you?" He paused. "Before the sun sets, I mean. Assuming you want me to see you."   
"You have an awfully low voice," the voice said doubtfully.   
"Just get out there, already!" Remus yelled from the bush. "I want to go to bed!" There was a pause, then James' date stepped out from behind the tree.   
"You!" James gasped.   
"_You!_" The date practically screamed. 

/\/\/\   
A/n; Well, this seems like a good place to stop eg> I like cliffies! Now, go on, review! Who do _you_ think it is?   
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	3. Default Chapter Title

Part 3 Marauder Matchmaker   
By Admiral Albia 

Okay, youse peoples, listen up! This story is PG-13 for a reason. It involves cross dressing, swearing, and *suggestive* slash. On that note, though, it's also in Humour for a reason =) If you don't find it funny don't sue me, but feel free to flame. If you write a long enough one, you can be a Slytherin in one of my upcoming stories! =) And boy do *they* get beaten up... 

Disclaimer; Let's put this to the test. How many people out there actually think I'm J.K. Rowling? You _do_? I'm honoured! =) But sorry, I'm not. Nevertheless, on with the story! *points dramatically as all characters head purposefully in other direction* What the...? Hey! Come back! COME BAAACK! 

I am well aware that the clothes worn by James' date in this chapter are modern-day. I can't be bothered to go and have a look in my Costumes book, though, so you'll just have to accept it. 

Marauder Matchmaker   
"You!" James gasped.   
"_You!_" Snape practically screamed.   
As the reader will have already surmised, it was Snape. Albeit a Snape who was wearing a bright pink miniskirt, a bright orange sleeveless top and some incredibly uncomfortable looking high heels. He also had a yellow wig slipping off his hair and had made a huge hash of his makeup. The Marauders' bush was rocking with silent mirth.   
James broke the tension. "So _this_ is what Slytherins do in their spare time," he said. The bush rocked harder.   
"You watch your mouth, Potter, or I swear I'll-"   
"Slap him?" Peter enquired sweetly from the bush. The laughter became audible.   
"What?" Snape looked down. "What the - I wasn't wearing this when I came out!" He glared at James. "Explain yourself!"   
"Quick-Change Charm," James said, beginning to grin himself now. "Right, Sirius?"   
"Exactamundo," Sirius' voice called. "Sorry about the makeup, Snape dearest, I'm not too good at it..." The giggles redoubled as Snape felt his face, looking horrified.   
"Can I take it this means you _don't_ want to go to the theatre some time?" James asked. His date glared at him.   
"Certainly not! Especially if it's one of _Black's_ plays..."   
"Goodness me, whyever should I ask someone out on a date to the theatre if I've got free tickets for it?" Under his breath, James muttered, "Remus, tell Sirius I said he'll pay for this."   
"Actually, it was Peter's idea," Remus called. "Should I still tell Sirius?"   
"Tell Sirius what?" Sirius asked.   
"That James said you'll pay for this... even though it was Peter's idea..."   
"Uh-oh," Peter said.   
"If there weren't ladies present-" James began; but he didn't get any further because Snape lunged at him, snarling furiously. The bush stopped laughing abruptly and began to cheer James on instead as he ducked and came up behind his rival. Snape was bigger, but James was both faster and more manoeuvrable. Eventually he managed to hide behind a tree for a couple of seconds, and the next thing Snape knew he was being charged by a large stag with queer markings like glasses round its eyes.   
The Marauders watched him go. Then Sirius said, "We're fading back. Can we share the Cloak, James?"   
"Hmm... considering you just dressed Snape up like a hooker, set him up on a date with me and completely failed to help when he attacked me?"   
"Er... yeah."   
"Sure! Where is it?" A translucent hand extended from the bush and waved the Cloak around.   
"Didn't want Snape to get his filthy hands on it," Remus explained. "Nail varnish is incredibly hard to wash off." 

///

Lily Evans looked up suspiciously as the Marauders spilled, chuckling, into the Common Room, Peter whispering something to the Fat Lady as he did so. The portrait began to snigger, then chuckle, then she was roaring with laughter as she swung shut after him.   
"What have you been up to _now?_"   
"Nothing you'd be interested in," Sirius said airily. "Hey, Remus. Did we get those photos?"   
"Yep. On a Muggle camera, too, so he can't hide..." Remus tapped the camera with his wand and a neat pile of photographs appeared beside it. "Oh... look at this one!" He passed them round, and soon the little group by the fire was laughing so hard Lily was surprised they didn't suffocate. Intrigued, she went and looked over Peter's head.   
Even Lily couldn't help but laugh at _those_ pictures, especially the sequence where James butted Snape into Hagrid's pumpkin patch.   
By the next day, of course, _everyone_ knew about it, and most people had seen the pictures of Snape dressed up, if not the ones of James turning into a large stag and sending his rival into next week. 

///   
A/n; Well, it's done =) Well done to jilly_chan, who guessed that it was Snape dressed up as a drag queen... and to anyone else who guessed but didn't bother to review and suggest it.   
And speaking of reviews... (hint hint, nudge nudge)   
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